The Dark Side of a Saint

"To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, 'A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.' "

Brennan Manning



This quote from Brennan Manning that includes a quote from Thomas Merton strikes a chord with me. I think experiencing grace and understanding the deep wonders of my salvation can only be done when experiencing the depths of my need. My constant reminder of my fallen-self and my brokenness is what allows me to recognize how much God values me because the price He paid was necessarily high. If I could recognize this once and for all and move on, maybe that would be a good thing. But no, my self-righteousness and self-centeredness requires constant attention. But the payoff is great because when I feel that I cannot save myself, in steps a true saviour who exchanges guilt for gratitude and acceptance. I don't deny my struggle with this dark side, instead I use it to reveal the steadfast love that God has for sinners like me.

In this song by Sting, he sings of a vampire who struggles with his crimes and sins, an eerie echo of the life of a christian...living at the same time as both sinner and saint.





There's a moon over bourbon street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all
I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong

Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over bourbon street

It was many years ago that I became what I am
I was trapped in this life like an innocent lamb
Now I can never show my face at noon
And you'll only see me walking by the light of the moon
The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest

Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over bourbon street

She walks everyday through the streets of New Orleans
She's innocent and young from a family of means
I have stood many times outside her window at night
To struggle with my instinct in the pale moon light
How could I be this way when I pray to God above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love

Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over bourbon street